As much as I know my parents were "right" to raise me the way they did, I've never felt at peace with my intelligence, or like it has done a great deal for me. It alienated me from my peers and made me stand out, always. Prime example: when I was four, I asked my mother why the 'p' was silent in pterodactyl. Two things come to mind when telling that story: 1) what four year old knows pterodactyl starts with a p, and 2) there was never any hope for me. I would never be normal.
In elementary school I was relentlessly teased and picked on, and constantly made to feel not good enough or accepted. Because of this, I learned to hide my intelligence and play it down so as not to draw attention to myself. All I ever wanted was to melt into the folds of mediocrity. All I ever wanted was to feel accepted and not like an outsider to the rest of the world.
As I've gotten older, I appreciate, to an extent, what I have in my intelligence. I understand that I have a great gift, and that I should feel lucky. I know I have much to offer. Unfortunately, at this juncture in my life, I have a job that requires a bachelor's at most. I feel, every day, that I have finally achieved my wish to melt into the folds of mediocrity. These folds aren't as welcoming or comfortable as I thought. That is, I suppose, the poetic justice of mediocrity, and the paradox it presents.
My question is, what now. What do I do now that I know these things? Do I go back and get another (useless) degree, and then not use that one? Do I incorporate things into my life that will make me be different, or less mediocre? I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle of those two things. I think I strive for greatness and an opportunity to change the world.
In all honesty, I think I have delusions of grandeur. What is this 'greatness'? As I sit here on a Friday night, drinking a beer, typing on my Mac, listening to music that was WAY too expensive to actually buy, knowing I'm going to go sleep in a warm and comfortable bed.. I wonder if I actually hear the things I'm saying. Do I actually hear myself say that my job is no fun and not satisfying? Do I actually understand the implications of what I'm saying? Do I fully understand that this world is rapidly falling apart, and I'm upset because my life isn't what I thought it would be?
Sadly, the answer is yes. Yes I do understand and know these things. So, why do I keep saying them and wondering what the hell I'm doing? Is it normal to be like this? Is it normal to wonder why you ever wanted or yearned for this type of life? I know its normal to wonder what's the point of it all, but isn't that supposed to come earlier than your late 20s? Isn't that supposed to be something you figure out before now? Or, have I just been deluding myself in thinking I would have it all figured out by now?
Welcome to the blog. I (Emily) am FUBAR for sure, but have no idea why. I have no idea why I don't stop complaining about my white girl and first world problems. When does that happen?
Soon, I hope.
Here you'll read completely normal and boring stories of my personal life. Here, you'll see what I haven't been doing with this 'intelligence' I seem to boast. Here, you'll see that I really don't get it. That I really don't understand that my problems are not actual problems at all. They're diversions I've created to keep myself in this mediocre world. These "problems" are simply my manifestation of my feelings of helplessness. These "problems" are my way of saying "Hey, guess what? Everyone else in the world wants your life. Get the fuck over it and enjoy what you have."
Let's hope I learn something from this. As I crack open another beer and go smoke another cigarette, I say, "Here's to getting my shit together. Here's to putting myself on the path of an exceptional life. Get off me, This Mediocre Life."
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